I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
