I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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