my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
