no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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