Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
