im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
