Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
