I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
