I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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