My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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