FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
