i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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