Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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