He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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