She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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