You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
