dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
