I got chris browned last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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