I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
