I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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