U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
