mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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