My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
