Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
