mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
