Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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