My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
