there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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