Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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