your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
