I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
