She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
