True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
