I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
