i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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