If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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