I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
