the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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