Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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