So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
