Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
