But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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