The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
