I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
