it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
