It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
