I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
