also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
