My balls are so social today.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't deserve a penis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
