meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
