i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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